into the depth of my absurd yet beautiful mind


The warm nights while you sat on the bare sand, his hands inches away from yours, almost touching. You stare at him and you notice his lovely glow, you could almost drown at his smile while his face is lit by the endearing moon in the star-kissed skies. The wind, oh the wind, is just cool and warm at the same time, surreal, and your heart stops every time he tells you the most wonderful things in the world, and how you could have wished time could just slow down, right there, at that very moment, and just… you and him. That instant when you could almost feel like the world may have been selfish to have been created for just the two of you, just you and him. Just you and him.

romantic summer

(Photo credits via google)

That would have been one heck of a perfect summer. And here goes, “however”! bursts the fantasy bubble

However, things do not go to well as what you might have imagined them to be. A perfect summer romance – that’s what I would have preferred for this article to be entitled with. That wouldn’t really go too well, for the fact that there was no summer romance, if you call it so, that have went on though. Just a romance, which does not really include the beach or the sand, or the moon and the stars, no.

To be honest, here’s what my summer has been like.

Every day, at almost 6 in the morning, when the sun was supposed to just be on it’s way up the skies, and the time of the day when you could have wished you were about to head your way to the balcony over-seeing a wonderful view at the beach where you just had spent the night at, holding a cup of nice and warm coffee. No, that’s not really how it went though. Again, bursts the fantasy bubble

Every day, at almost 6 in the morning, when the sun was supposed to just be on it’s way up the skies, oh man you could notice how it was in a hurry. I mean, it’s only 6am, for goodness sake and the sun is already half way out, bragging it’s gigantic UV rays and you could tell how it was so eager to toast every human alive (at least towards those from where I’m from). The sea, the beach and a tropical frost would have been nice. And the struggle to expose yourself outside whilst making your way to the office is excruciating, and you feel like hiding yourself from the sun, just how much you have avoided the stare of your professor at school while he was asking about something you know nothing about and don’t want to embarrass yourself if called.

Summer it was. I lost my chance this year. And the rain is starting to pack it’s stuff and will soon be heading towards my part of the planet. The sun? The sun is still here. Though you could rarely see him out that much as when the summer started. Probably preparing to exit the limelight and wiping off his crown so as to give it the next title holder… rain. Oh I love how they switch places every time. As for my perfect summer romance? Who knows? It could be one under the rain this time soon.


Twenty. Five.

In exactly 8 days from now, I’ll be turning a year old. And how was my past years like? Okay, I guess.

I’m currently at the point of my life where I feel like I need to be doing something great. I felt this urge before when I was in college. When I was so bored at the age of 18 and felt like I needed to push myself and do incredible things. We all have our definitions of how a great or incredible life is like. Mine is, I’d like to say, simple yet vague.

After 25 years of existence (almost), I haven’t got a clue on what I should be doing with my life. It’s not like my past years were doomed, no. It’s perfect – I got promoted, I got to be independent, I got to travel and the best thing, I fell in love. But somehow, I know deep within me, I am capable of doing and accomplishing more. I want to explore further. I want to be better. The problem is, after all these years, I still have no freaking clue what I should be doing.

I envy all the talented singers out there, the actors, the painters – they get to do what they love best and get to be paid for doing it.

I wish I knew exactly what I want. But hey, that’s what makes this life even more interesting you see? I don’t get to stop searching. It’s never too late I believe. I have a lifetime to figure everything out. I just need to get up and keep on seeking.

Happy 25th to me!

Bundles of Delight (What My 2015 Has Been Like)

It may be a little late to do a recap of what my 2015 has been like, but there’s no perfect time either. So here we go.

The past year has been wonderfully exciting and excruciatingly pain-staking. The irony of life it is! But most of it were fun, breathtaking, thrilling and moments spent with bundles of delight.

My most favorite part of it? The endless travels. The rides on a bus to places I have never set foot on yet. The smiles I had while sitting on a fine sand staring at the horizon, with the breeze of the ocean brushing through my hair. The trees I have leaned on. The rocks I have sat on. The grass I had swept my feet on. The people I have talked to. The different sunsets I have come to witness whilst in motley gorgeous places I was. The music I have played while being in a different place so beautiful, the wind would seem to sing along with it. The relief of water after long hours of hike in scorching daylight. The taste of rain on my palm.


I don’t remember the exact dates of the travels I had in the past year. Never had. But the experience, every bit of emotion I had felt during those moments, I remember very well. Isn’t it the most important? Remembering the feeling when you were there, not just when, right?

I am a little apprehensive on devouring on new things. But I am wiling to. The start will always be the most baffling, but once I get the hang of it, you can never stop me. Just like snorkeling and kayaking. For someone who cannot swim and is afraid of the deep ocean, the first few moments of indulging into it spelled torture. But as it turned out, it was pretty fun! It’s not extreme of an endeavor I know. But extreme is different for every individual, and surely my definition of it is too.


One other great adventure I had, is the spiraling and endless road to love. Traveling with the love of my life makes my every experience even more special. My friends and family too are part of my 2015 adventures of course. There’s nothing like a 4-hour family road trip on treacherous roads arriving at a beautiful, scenic place for a cool swim on a flowing gorgeous river. Nor like a whole day hike to endless stairs of rocks and mud and cooling yourself down on a fall, and crossing a deadly river flow for an experience inside a majestic cave. Nothing like my 2015 indeed!

I promise I will not hold myself from any new adventure this year or in the coming years. Cheers to more of these wonderfully fulfilling 2015 adventures!

2016 Happiness Jar

I saw this post on Facebook (last year), on making a happiness jar, in where you will be putting in a note all the things that made you happy for the year (2016). And thought it was a very good idea and has immediately planned on doing it. And now the plan has finally come to life!


Yep! This is my 2016 Happiness Jar (formerly called as my candy jar). So excited to have this jar be filled with all the great things that my 2016 will be. And as a start, I have placed one note that has made me happy just yesterday. And I couldn’t wait to give that one little note other cute little note friends.

It feels bracing having something to look forward to this year. It’s just another year if you’ll come to think of it. But a new year has always been a mainstream reminder of a fresh start to many. And why not indulge into it too.

Happy New Year to every beautiful soul out there!


Image result for start

Isn’t it always hard to start on something all over again? Yep! Blogging.

It’s been years and years since the last time I posted. Mainly due to work and had been busier than ever. I remember how writing down my absurd thoughts made me feel so much better. I remember how with every word I write all the negativity and pessimism drains down on me. I remember how much I loved putting my hands on a keyboard and pressing onto each letter that goes in my mind – I remember how satisfying it felt.

Just like before, the content of my blog goes out to no one but me. This is my therapeutic escape of the harsh reality. This is the mirror of my nous.

Let’s start blogging… again!!

you’re not jack, i’m no rose

We did not meet in a cruise ship; I wasn’t any rich young girl and you weren’t a careless young man either, whose paths have crossed along the seas and became inseparable like the sky and the stars. We aren’t from the same high school; and I wasn’t a nerdy old-school type of girl, and you weren’t the cool, haughty, heartthrob either; you neither did realize you were in love with me during a play while you saw me in a nice gown with my hair done, and kissed me at the end of it. You also didn’t tell me you would write to finish the ending of a book I loved even if you know you’re a bad writer, because the author didnt tell us what happened in the ending and treated us like crap when we came to see him in Amsterdam. We didn’t meet anywhere romantic; we didnt start of from something great; we didn’t tell each other any of those fantasies. We were just we.

We started as office mates; you were miles apart from me then. I started noticing you and wondered if you saw me too. Then when the time came when I almost gave up biding my time on you to notice me, the gravity somehow pulled us in and the next thing I know I was sitting next to you. I remembered those days as they were a piece of the puzzle that made me the happiest, which I never thought would ever become reality. We started talking and you started picking on me, and I became mad at you for doing so.

Then that one night came. We held each other’s hand and never wanted to let go. And from there started the roller coaster and my trip to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

You’re not Jack and I’m no Rose; neither are you Landon and I, Jamie; your name is not Augustus Waters and mine is not Hazel Grace. You are you, and I am me. Our love story isn’t something you write on a book and make a movie from and have the entire world go crazy for. It’s the kind you know is undoubtedly real. The kind that’s deep and lasts through life. The kind that only you and I understand.

I love you.

Stay in the Game

Hashtag, SELFIE

So where do I start? Ah Christmas. Well, it’s making its way now. I can’t seem to feel it though. Perhaps the lights, bells, gifts, christmas carols seem to lessen every year? Or is it because I’m living alone?

It’s hard growing up and waking up every morning without your grandma make you a sumptuous breakfast before you head off elsewhere. It’s difficult to do things on your own. But behind all those humps is a free road. Yes, a road of liberty and endless possibilities. And all the anonymous exciting stuff you could imagine.

I have learned in my eight months of liberty that every thing, every single thing that you let your self fall into will solely be your responsibility. All that surround whatever those things may be, all emotions that you have to undergo, you deal it with yourself. You alone will be the one responsible for all the consequences that may occur with every pitfall you indulge yourself into.

It’s hard being responsible for anything, much more of yourself. I have shed god-knows-how-many tears denying my weaknesses. But I hope that’s how I will learn.

Another thing, this is honestly hard to confess, but I think I am a little emotionally “overwhelmed” by tons of things that’s going on in my head every day. I try to shake them off. But I get so easily upset when things don’t fall according to plan. I know that’s terrible. Maybe I can use a little sprinkle of inspiration of hope from Mr. Gatsby, or as I’d like to call him, Mr. Gutsby.

Thus, I have come to a decision that I will not let myself be crushed with a bagful of disappointments, be crumpled by what other people think of me, and be wounded on the heart by anyone around me. I have dealt with so many struggles in my life and I think I deserve a happy and blessed life now. I know I can make that happen.

Forever..uhm..twenty-two? (Forever 21, The Sequel)

A friend of mine asked me, “Cianne, ano birthday wish mo?” (Cianne, what’s your birthday wish?). And for a moment I was frozen. I realized, oh yeah what is my birthday wish anyway? I wasn’t sure what to say, so I replied, “world peace!” 😉

Sighs. Birthdays.This 4th of April marks my 22nd year of wonderful existence.Wow. Two decades and two years is too much to handle. I still got a week before my “forever 21” pulls down its curtains. I’m not really sure what to feel about that.

I have this weird habit that whenever I get a year older, I look back at my old journals, unfurl my old photos, reminisce on the good-old-memories, and just see how my life has been like. Some sort of a self-evaluation, if I may say. And this year’s looking-back-at-old-stuff birthday-ritual would be no exception.

So what really has my life been like?

Somebody at Phineas and Ferb would probably ask me in return:

*Cartoon character voice* “Aren’t you a little young to be asking that question?“. Well, I don’t think so. 22 is way over the legal age alright.

Let’s start with my journals. Not so many people may know about this, but I actually have four journals in my possession. Two of them have been completed, and two are still in progress (I’m using two at the same time, for obviously two different reasons that I may only know). I went through all of them and man! Phew! That was a long read. I didn’t even know that writing about my smelly feet would land a page in there, but it did! My university life was a blockbuster for the same reason as why Titanic has earned billions of its release – it’s full of drama, it was as well the most action-packed leg of my existence, and oh yah..comedy never failed to surprise me.

My high school journal series was just…errr…alright. My writing was not so good. But I think I deserve a high-five for the effort. I can’t even believe my high school series was mostly about my high school crushes (most went not so well) and my never-ending self-disappointments. Was my high school life that ridiculous? Lol. I bet not. It was awesome!

My old photos make me swear why photoshop wasn’t available the times they were taken. One word to describe them all – horrible. Yes horrible. I looked horrible in most of them. But that’s part of who I was and who I still am right? And so, I embrace them all whole-heartily (I still wish I looked better in them though, I mean c’mon, what would my fans say? I can’t even imagine. Ugh)

There sure have been a great deal of stuff in my twenty-two years of living. I have grown my hair way too long, and never cut it shorter that 3 inches. I have discovered various mood-swings. I have had so many people whose ways have been separated with mine. I have come across with motley individuals in return as well. And way too many episodes of my self-made, self-created movie that most people address to as “life”, have made me a year older, and a year better.

So my over-all self-evaluation result for my 22nd year of existence is:

A+. I sure deserve it, don’t I? Yay!

This time, when my friends will ask me what my birthday wish will be, I think I might have found the answer. It is that I learn to cherish and enjoy life more so that it gives me the same amount of happiness and love I give to it. It will all keep getting better 🙂

(04/04/1991 – the exact date I was brought into existence; and the same exact date the word “awesome” came into life)

Create a free website or blog at

Up ↑