I thought I was over it. But I was wrong. It still keeps on haunting me. 

Family for me was not the typical, almost-perfect one that most other kids around me had. I grew up not knowing who my biological father is. And my mum? She wasn’t like a mother to me. It’s funny because when I was younger, I thought she was just my Aunt and that my real parents were my grandparents. My grandparents are the best. I love them so much. They’re just amazing. Papa (my grandfather) had to go to heaven to soon though. But a decade of my existence with him was more than a lifetime of happiness and love. Mama (my grandmother) has been my mother and will always be. She’s my best friend. I tell her (almost) everything. She believes in me, she cares for me, and she trusts me like no other people do. I just love her.

My mum after giving birth to me had to go to the city and find a living on her own. There she met my step-father. They decided to get married and have a family of their own. It’s just sad because I don’t feel like I am part of that family. I used to cry about this when I was younger. I remember when I was in grade school and activities which involve the parents’ participation were held, I ended up crying after. My grandparents were there, but I cried because my real parents were not. And all the other kids were with theirs. When I had to introduce myself with my parents’ names, I did not know what to say for two reasons – 1.) I do not know who my real father is. 2.) I was not sure if the ‘mother’ that I should introduce with myself to the class was my real mother or the one who has been a ‘mother’ to me. 

My childhood has been the best — minus the ‘parents’ issue. For some time I got over it. I told myself that I had to accept that my family would be unlike anybody else’s. It may be different — but it’s a family nonetheless, showered by love and all the smiles life has to offer. 

i know I got through it. But for some absurd reason I still feel a pinch in my heart — the kind that hurts. 

I saw pictures of my siblings and my mum and step-dad in Facebook. They went on a vacation this weekend. They all seemed happy. I love seeing my siblings happy. I love them. God knows how much. The photos showed a happy, blissful, complete family. The kind of family I never had. The kind of family I am not part of. I shed some tears. 

I thought I was over it. I thought I was over shedding tears on this wounding part of my being. But I was again wrong. It does keep on haunting me. 

 

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